My Mother and Me

My Mother and Me
"My Mother" - Mrs.Vedambal 96 years young

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

THE HORRORSCOPE !

     Seetharam was the only eligible bachelor in the village Kondepally. He was about six feet tall but slim and had passed Bachelor of Arts degree from Krishnadevaraya College in the neighbourhood. He was very good at studies. Soon after graduation he got a job in the Municipal Office as Cashier. He had borrowed five hundred rupees from Jaggaiah towards caution deposit in the Muncipal Office. Jaggaiah was a rich Jamindar (Landlord) in the village. He had a daughter by name Saraswathi. He called her 'Saru' affectionately. Saru was just seventeen years old. She was beautiful and had sharp features. She attended the local College.The Landlord Jaggaiah appointed Seetharam as tutor to his daughter. Saru was not good at English.During the evening hours Seetharam taught her English. Saru gradually developed a liking for Seetharam, which culminated into deep Love.When Seetharam completed 25 years of age his mother felt that she must bring a daughter-in-law soon. She strongly believed in superstitions and Horoscopes. However, she failed to find a suitable bride for her son. The Horoscopes proved to be  "HORRORSCOPES " ! all the time.


     Atlast, one ' horoscope' from a neighbouring village given to Seetharam's mother by her cousin,  matched well with that of her son's horoscope. Her Joy Knew No Bounds !! The next step was that of girl looking. One Saturday he embarked upon a Journey to the girl's village armed with a neck-tie and well polished shoes. Two of his near relatives escorted him. A passenger Bus took them to the village. They alighted from the bus and walked in the direction of the girl's house. After walking for about 2 furlongs they reached the girl's house.


     They were ushered-in to the drawing room by a tall man in his early fifty's. He was hefty, strong and looked like a Palace Guard.He shook Seetharam's hand and introduced himself and gave him a seat to sit on. Seetharam's blood pressure started rising and he felt the rush of blood through the veins to his heart and other parts of the body. His heart beat became faster, he felt he has reached a dense forest. Soon one of his relatives and the prospective father-in-law indulged in a lengthy talk. They discussed about the sultry weather and also the recent political developments at Delhi. About twenty minutes passed, suddenly he heard a loud thud. With rapt attention he sat gazing the world outside through the open window. The bride accompanied by her younger sister was approaching Seetharam, holding a large Coffee Tray in her hand. When he heard the loud thud he thought that it could be a disco step. Seetharam accumulated courage and threw a look at the bride and was startled. He lost consiousness and was in a coma state.


     He felt as if a flesh of mountain was moving towards him. The girl must be weighing not less than one-and-a-half quintals !  he thought.The girl smiled at him and uttered a traditional 
' Namasthe '. Seetharam tried his best to open his mouth and reciprocate. But his mouth refused to open as if it was sealed with wax. His whole body started perspiring. He wanted to run away from the scene. He sat still and gazed outside. He cursed his fate for not finding a coconut tree outside. He could've atleast counted the coconuts and thus pass time. Like a flash of lightning memories flooded his mind. He tried to remember some theories of weight gain. Though he was tall he weighed less than half a quintal; a bony creature indeed !


     When the Astrologer said that his horoscope has matched with that of the girl in the neighbouring village he was immensely happy. Little did he realize that his horoscope  has matched with that of a pachyderm !! If he married this village belle and went out shopping, people would stare at them. He was certain about the outcome. The Public might think that the Mahout is leading a Pachyderm in the Sunday Open Market. He paused and laughed at this thought.


     She was a perfect human mattress !! He cursed the ' Almighty ' for making such a petite girl too bulky and also creating him a bony creature !! For the time being he dropped the idea of wedlock. There are plenty of wifeless people in and around him. A multitude of fantacies came to his mind like tidal waves.


     Despite her fatness she was a perfect embodiment of bewitching beauty. She was tall enough and had sparkling eyes which resembled the petals of Red Lotus flower. Her teeth looked like Jasmine buds. She was fair, round faced with raven-black hair which touched almost her knees and resembled like a cascade and spread fragrance around her. Her beauty shone like a pearl in limpid water. Her stout legs looked as if it is a pair of banana stalks. She was milky white in colour.Contrary to her sharp features, Seetharam was a walking human with little flesh in his whole frame. He was dark like a crow. She had melodius voice like that of a Nightingale whereas his voice was rough.


     Seetharam's mother was a pious lady and strongly believed in superstitions. On a couple of occasions when stepped out for a girl looking ceremony, his mother prevented him from proceeding because once a cat crossed his path and during second occasion it was a single Brahmin who came his way !!  Both supposed to be bad omens and inauspicious.She also believed in ' Rahukalam ' (inauspicious time). Only when her Astrologer gave her green signal, then only she lets her son step out of the house, especiallly when proceeding on any auspicious mission.


     Once, Lord Ganesha asked his reverened mother Parvathi - Oh ! mother when am I to marry ?
Parvathy promptly replied you can marry tomorrow my son. Lord Ganesha wrote on the wall that i will marry tomorrow ! and daily looked at the wall and thus remained a Chronic bachelor for the rest of his life ! Seetharam was happy at the thought of the fate of Lord Ganesha. He consoled himself saying to himself that even during primedival days wifeless personalities existed. Lord Ganesha's brother (Lord Ayyappa - the son of Lord Shiva & Mohini) too was a bachelor and enjoyed his life in the wild forest in the company of Tigers ! But his elder brother Muruga (Karthikeya) practised polygamy by marrying two wives viz.,
Valli and Devayani. At the thought of polygamy Seetharam let out guffaw's of laughter. He wondered whether Muruga looked into the astrological aspects.


     The village astrologer verified nearly forty Horoscopes of the girls with that of Seetharam. Everytime he found that they didn't match in all respects. Often it so happened that whenever he verified the horoscopes he found moon in the sixth place, Rahu in the tenth place and ' Shani '
moving in the opposite direction and so on. The above were a clear indication of bad times ahead and dismal future for Seetharam. This being the 41st case, fortunately they matched thoroughly well in all aspects. He hoped that this would certainly take off.


     Before Seetharam and his escorts managed to bid good-bye to the girl and her family, he threw a look back and found the baby elephant still standing at her door-step smiling. Suddenly, she waved her hand towards the sky and mumbled a ' Ta-ta' . Unknowingly, Seetharam's hand too rose in the direction of the sky(as if a magnet pulled his hands upwards) and he reciprocated. After this girl looking ceremony, whenever he received a call letter for a similar exercise from the unknown prospective in-law's, he felt as if a black warrant was being served on him by a Judicial Magistrate. It sent a chill down his spine and promptly, he declined to accept the invitations. He tried his best to dissuade his mother from verifying the horoscopes, even though he knew that it will only be a futile exercise and as good as playing flute in the ears of Buffalo !!


     When the bride came to the living room accompanid by her cousin sister (another baby elephant in the making); Seetharam clutched his seat for fear of the earth might cave-in. He felt his end is near and would soon find his grave. Fortunately, nothing untoward happened and he thanked his stars and the God for having let him live. Even after reaching home, couldn't help thinking about how, she managed to gather this much amount of flesh. She must have attended a gymnasium for a long time and perhaps had a tight eating schedule. Before he finallly bade good-bye to the pachyderm he wanted to give her few tips on slim fast exercises but for the courage.


     Alas ! the forty-first Horoscope too proved to be "HORRORSCOPE". He decided to remain a chronic bachelor for the rest of his life and didn't venture out again for fear of encountering a larger pachyderm in the days to come !









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